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Infidelity
and Cheaters
Suspicion of infidelity is a horrible thing.
It can cause insecurity, anxiety, fear, sleeplessness, depression, and can
occupy your thoughts and mind all hours of the day and night. You begin to
speculate: What did I do to drive him/her away? Did I love him/her
enough? Did I smother him/her? Will I ever trust him/her again? Will our
relationship ever be the same? What does the other person have that I don't?
After a while your health can suffer and your performance at work can suffer.
And then it starts to affect others. Your children can become aware that
something is wrong with Mommy or Daddy, and they too can feel insecurity,
anxiety, fear, sleeplessness… And they too will begin to speculate.
Infidelity hurts the whole family…especially innocent children. And it
destroys the safety and sanctity of your home.
Also, please note that I am not an attorney and am not providing legal advice.
When in doubt, check with your attorney or other legal advisor especially in
matters regarding your partner's privacy.
So, let me share with you a number of subtle (and not-so-subtle) clues that you
should be aware of, if you suspect that your partner is being unfaithful. While
none of these "red flags" automatically mean you are being deceived,
they should be regarded as possible indicators of deceit, to determine if
further investigation is warranted.
RED FLAGS:
Usually, the thing that will tip you off is a change in
behavior. So, let's look at just a few of the behaviors that you might observe,
if your loved one was being unfaithful:
Behavior At Home:
Your partner or spouse…
 | Appears distant, shows a lack of
interest or develops an unexplained aloofness
| Is frequently tired or lacks
an interest
in the relationship
| Comes home smelling of an unfamiliar
fragrance
| Wears perfume/cologne more often
than usual
| Arrives home and heads straight into
the shower/bath
| Gets dressed up a little too well for trips to the grocery
store or running some other kind of errand or
menial task
| Begins to speak more and more harshly
to you, or is more sarcastic. Sometimes this is just an attempt to
justify their cheating…or to give them an excuse to storm out of the
room/house
| Asks about your schedule more often
than usual
| Develops an increased focus on losing
weight or pays more attention to their appearance
| Stops wearing his/her wedding ring
and, when asked, can't give a reasonable explanation |
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Romance:
Your partner or spouse…
| Is no longer interested in sex, or
he/she makes excuses for its infrequency.
| Starts to request kinky or other
erotic sexual activity (behavior) that you've never done before, including
watching porn
| Shows a new talent in the bedroom
(that they might have learned from the individual with whom they've been
cheating)
| Appears reluctant to kiss you, or
show affection toward you.
| Criticizes you for showing him/her
attention.
| Continues giving poor excuses for why
he/she is not in the mood to make love. |
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Work-related:
Your partner or spouse…
| Work longer hours, more
frequently…and keep you from viewing their paycheck/pay-stubs
| Changes their established routine
with no apparent reason
| Begins discouraging you from calling
him/her them at work
| Is often unavailable when you try to
call him/her at work.
| Returns calls long after you leave a
message for him/her.
| Prefers to attend work functions (or
any events) alone and tries to discourage you from attending.
| Takes more trips for business reasons
and even refuses to let you drive him/her to the airport. |
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Telephone Mannerisms:
Your partner or spouse…
| Receives mysterious phone calls.
| You get an increasing number of
hang-ups or wrong numbers when you pick up the phone. Especially if the
caller hangs up after hearing your voice and doesn't speak, because often
(though not always) is a person who makes a real wrong number will at
least ask, Is Fred there? before hanging up.
| Phone bills show unexplained toll or
long distance charges.
| Hurriedly answers the phone to answer
it before you do.
| Leaves the room to talk on the phone.
| Whispers while on the phone.
| Suddenly need a cell phone (or pager)
and discourages you from looking at or using the phone or pager.
| Deletes numbers from caller ID.
| Behaves differently or ends the
telephone calls abruptly when you enter the room. Or appears to hang up
quickly. |
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Paper Trails:
| Finding credit card receipts for
gifts you didn't receive.
| An increase in ATM withdrawals.
Especially those from out-of-town (receipts bear a time/date stamp).
| Credit card receipts showing
purchases from places that unknown to you or seem suspect
| He/she rushes to get the mail before
you do.
| She/he gets a separate P.O. Box.
| Unusual phone numbers appear on the
bill.
| The duration and time of the calls
appear excessive.
| He/She are secretive about their cell
phone bill.
| She/He starts to pay the phone bills
or credit card bills themselves.
| You notice business travel or other
deductions for travel or other expenses that you were unaware of. |
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Automobile
Related:
| The passenger's seat is adjusted
differently than you had left it.
| Taking child seat out of the car for
no particular reason.
| Finding suspicious items like phone
numbers, receipts, lipstick, condoms or strange hairs in the vehicle.
| Keeping a change of clothes in the
trunk.
| Unexplainable mileage or a lack of
additional mileage. For example, if your spouse state they went out of
town yet the odometer indicates that only a distance of 25 miles had been
driven. Conversely, if your spouse states they'd only been to the office
that day, yet their odometer shows many more miles ad been driven, this
too, may be a significant matter. |
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Computer-Related:
| They warily guard access to their
computer.
| They shut down the computer as you
walk into the room.
| They add password protection their
computer.
| Or they stay up to "work"
on the computer long after you've gone to bed.
| They have unusual sites showing in
their browser history, or erase them after each late-night session.
| They delete email message more
frequently |
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Again, let me reiterate that these behaviors are only
indicators of infidelity and are not absolutes.
Some cheaters are very deceitful and can cover their tracks superbly. They may
become more attentive in an effort to compensate for the fact that their
attentions are going elsewhere. They behave like "model" parents in an
effort to alleviate their guilt. They can juggle the extra-marital relationship,
while tending to the marriage in a seemingly flawless way. They may also have
friends that will help them to get out of the house or provide alibis for the
cheater. These are the people who are the hardest to catch, and the ones who
cause the most pain when they are finally caught .
These constitute even more reason to consider retaining the services of a
professional investigator.
When You Begin to suspect, just observe - don't accuse. If, after some consideration, you begin to have suspicions then don't accuse,
but just observe.
If you accuse your partner and are mistaken, you risk causing unnecessary and
irreparable damage to your relationship…damage that may take a lot of time to
recover from. And, even if you are correct, it's quite possible that your
spouse/partner will be able to explain their behavior in a manner that's
sufficient to cause you raise reasonable doubt. And, because they are now aware
that you are suspicions, they will be even more careful and more guarded, making
it much more difficult for you to determine the truth.
If you become suspicious, don't treat the cheater any differently and don't
interfere. Now is the time for careful observation, and not for anger.
The
cheater will eventually be found out, so it's important to be patient,
observant, and to make note of patterns of behavior.
After some patient observation you'll probably be able to provide a great deal
of helpful information to a professional investigator, so that the investigator
can obtain the evidence and documentation you need. Make note of information
such as: the most likely days/times when your partner may be misbehaving, places
your partner alleges to frequent, people with whom your partner alleges to keep
company.
The more information you have (regardless of whether you think it's important or
not), the greater the likelihood an investigator can determine the truth…and
do it in the most cost-effective manner.
A final word of caution:
If you think a spouse or partner is misbehaving while you're out of town, you
may consider pretending to plan a trip out of town, in order to conduct your own
surveillance and confirm your suspicions.
You should be discouraged from doing this is because if your suspicions are
confirmed, your emotions may cause you to react in a manner that is
counter-productive. Emotions can make all us behave in a reactionary way, and at
moments like this, it's vitally important to keep a cool head. So, if this idea
still appeals to you, consider having a private investigator conduct
surveillance during this time.
Absolutely certain your spouse/partner IS cheating?
Once you've observed your spouse or partner for a sufficient amount of time, you
may eventually feel that it is necessary to confront him/her your spouse.
How
do you handle it?
If your intention is to file for divorce if your suspicion is confirmed, then
first seek the counsel of an attorney. It is important to understand your
options before you decide to confront him/her. Find out about how to protect
yourself financially, and get an understanding of the laws regarding child
custody and support.
If you feel you absolutely must confront the alleged cheater, make sure to do so
at a time when he/she is not rushed or running late. You want them to have time
to speak with you. You don't want them to have a reason to leave the room/house.
Don't ask while he/she is driving and of course: don't ask while children are
present.
Before you actually confront them, ask simple, non-invasive questions to get an
idea of their general attitude and willingness to talk in general. You will do
this for the same reason that a person operating a polygraph machine might: to
establish an idea of their "baseline". So, for example, ask what they
want for breakfast, or they have planned for the day…or anything else that
they can respond to easily. Then just observe their general behavior .
Once you finally confront the person, you'll need to carefully observe their
behavior.
You can expect him/her to be defensive. They may become evasive and reply with
something like, "What makes you think that?" (trying to see where
they'd slipped up). Or, they get indignant, "Why on earth would you say
such a thing?" or "I'm offended that you would say such a thing!".
Often, innocent people will respond directly by saying, "Yes" or
"No". They are more likely to respond to your inquiry directly, kindly
and patiently. They are more likely to show that they are willing to discuss
your concerns and to address those things that caused you to doubt in the first
place. Cheaters are generally very uncomfortable about addressing the issue and
may "explode" and become very defensive and angry.
When confronting them, if may help to inquire about specific occasions when you
-know- for certain what the truth is, so you can see if they are lying. This is
where a private investigators documentation and report can come in handy because
they can provide undeniable truth that can reveal their lies and deceits.
Finally: Do not resort to violence.
I cannot stress this enough. Criminal charges and possible jail time will cause
you to suffer and will keep you from making sure the cheater gets what they
deserve.
If you are the victim of a cheater, then you will probably have some very
important decisions to make. So, the first step is always to determine the
unbiased, objective truth.
To make sure that you know the truth, consider retaining the services of a
professional investigator. They have the experience to deal with these matters
objectively and clear-headedly. They also have the equipment necessary to obtain
the proof you'll need in case you go to court.
And if you have an attorney, your investigator should work with them to make
sure that their combined efforts focus on making sure you reap the maximum
benefit.
If your spouse or partner is cheating on you, it forces you into making some
very important decisions. The decisions are not only about your own future, but
also about your children's future as well.
We make our best decisions when we know the truth and understand the reality of
things. The decisions may not be easy, but they are still the best decisions we
can make.
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